Monday, June 29, 2015

heart pains

sometimes youre so down the only thing that can lift you up is


been vascillating in and out of a dark place in recent times

today i'm having a relapse

been doing pretty good lately though

been taking care of my human body,
eating well
trying to get in shape
what else should i do

trying to keep myself from breaking down completely

dont let the emotions run me wild
keep em in check

yesterday a fellow heartbroken friend told me about how he's been running alot
and wearing sunglasses to hide the tears
while running
i could really relate to that

i didnt weat a seatbelt tonight.
thats not good
its kinda not ok.

there was a death in the family recently...
my family's been through alot lately.


its been a rough day

on my bikeride home i thought
i'm just a stupid human animal
having stupid human emotions

but how it is that i can see myself as a stupid human animal...
what part of me allows me to be objective like that?


i just came "home" about 20 minutes ago
and saw a plant that i had left outside in a little pot
it was dying
but not dead
i left it outside cause it had aphids...
it was struggling.
and now it was just hanging on to the last strand of life that it has left in it...

and i thought

sometimes life just sucks.

sometimes it just fucking sucks

and because some beings suffer so much

maybe thats why we suffer too

we're all interconnected, are we not

so, seeing that plant on its last strand of life

i felt guilty

so i wanted to plant it in the soil

i thought, maybe i can save this plant.

but maybe i shouldnt...
the plant is so fucking miserable
maybe death would put it out of its misery
and now that its in the soil
it will be nourished
maybe it will survive
maybe it will keep feeling pain
on whatever level plants have pain and suffering
and maybe i'm just prolonging its suffering

because i

have an instinct

to help the thing survive...

and maybe that's like god, or whatever force is out there

making me breathe in and out

keeping me from death

continuing my suffering

nourishing me

giving me another chance at life

so we'll see if that plant survives or not

i feel on the brink

but i cant abandon

i cant do it to myself

but maybe the forces will do it to me

i guess we'll see

Sunday, May 10, 2015

crimson wave of destruction

My periods keep getting worse. The cramps are always bad, I always have to take pain pills... but the worst is really my moods.  I didn't used to have mood issues this bad when I was younger... and its becoming debilitating. It's disrupting my social life. It's like I start turning into a beast as my period approaches, but I don't realize it... like I'm sitting in water that's getting progressively and slowly hotter but I can't feel the temperature change.  Then before I know it, my emotions are out of control and wreaking havoc on my entire life.
But I've noticed that a couple days into my period, my moods balance out again... and in the middle of my cycle, I'm usually feelin great, feelin on top of my game. It's the days leading up to my period that I get depressed and all messed up... it's a pretty clear pattern.

My last period was very destructive... I got in fights with a number of people around that time. I was highly sensitive and easily offended. I lashed out and said mean things.

I have this period app that tracks my cycle, and now it tells me that my period is 3 days from now. I can feel that my moods are starting to change... I feel depressed today, I feel sad. Lonely. Sensitive.

This is really not cool.

I really don't want to go on birth control pills or hormonal contraceptives in order to make this stop... but I don't know, maybe I need to. Maybe I'm so imbalanced that I need it, like medicine.

Just thinking about this makes me sad and start crying. See?

Ah fuck.

Monday, April 27, 2015

memory (margo elena and possible someone remix)

maybe he will...

like a song he hasn't heard in forever
that familiarity
that connection over time

it was a lovely tune

i even enjoy the sound of dissonance,
when it's done right

good music never gets old.
(my friend said that once at a Tom Petty concert, to a middle-aged lady who seemed surprised that we were there)

i think he enjoyed our music, for the most part...
though he wasn't too interested in my solo stuff (literally.)
things didn't go that deep,
as deep as I would have liked, anyways...
which isn't even that deep, actually.

maybe it was a simple song we made. one that is enjoyable :)
i do like it.
though it lacks in complexity
and often wasn't the sound i wanted...

or was it?

could I remix it? ^^
can we...

it was recorded
in memory...
mine, anyways.

i wonder,
does he remember how it goes
or even want to hear it again?

maybe he will...


Sometimes you like a song, and then later dislike it. You know!
How about music that you once didn't like, but learned to like later? That happens too... which can be very interesting.

Art has that temporal element to it as well, somebody said to me recently. Your taste evolves based on your present state.
And that state can never be predicted.


so take your time, margo...
i don't think that tune can be erased
and maybe in the mean time,
you can think about how you'd like to change it up

Saturday, April 18, 2015

On our giant bus traveling through space, headed towards the future

So I was having an interesting conversation with someone last night, some real talk about world issues. We had some fundamental disagreements about the future of humanity: while I'm optimistic that humanity will ultimately evolve in a positive direction and that we can learn how to live in harmony with the planet/living beings/society, his opinion is that humanity is basically fucked and we are too deep in this shit to get out.  I agreed that we are facing crises and we will continue to face crises... but I still have faith in humanity.  He thought my beliefs are like some mythical fairy tale unicorns and rainbows worldview (I paraphrase)... and I can see how he would think that. The good thing is that I'm totally willing to be disproven... I'm willing to admit that I'm wrong, or to change my worldview and opinions, if exposed to the info/experiences that would show me that humanity actually is fucked beyond repair.  For now, I do think that our current systems that are in place can be changed, and will change, since they are fundamentally unsustainable... and nature, as it tends to, will force us into a state of greater equilibrium, which we can only surrender to if we wish to survive. And while I'm stuck in a human body, I might as well put my work and energy towards building that kind of positive future and alternative/progressive society.  

Anyways, we got into the subject of overpopulation, and he gave an analogy that went like this: the planet is like a bus and only a certain number of people can fit on it... and at this point, its way too crowded and has passed max capacity. I said that I agree somewhat with that analogy, but also disagree. I started compiling some info backing up my opinion in an email, and then figured I should make this into a blog, since there's alot of good info here:

Roughly one third of the food produced in the world for human consumption every year — approximately 1.3 billion tonnes — gets lost or wasted. FOOD WASTE FACTS <-- check that crazy shit! 

  • In developing countries food waste and losses occur mainly at early stages of the food value chain and can be traced back to financial, managerial and technical constraints in harvesting techniques as well as storage –and cooling facilities. Thus, a strengthening of the supply chain through the support farmers and investments in infrastructure, transportation, as well as in an expansion of the food –and packaging industry could help to reduce the amount of food loss and waste. 
<-- This begins to illustrate why I think it's not just about having too many people on the bus. It may be a little more like... the rich/privileged people get to take two seats, and the poor people have to get strapped to the roof of the bus, piled on top of each other... so those in "developed" countries get to live comfortably while other people get screwed. And they remain out of sight... so people can buy their sweatshop clothes and not think about where they actually came from, for instance. Feel me? Anyways, this is why I think the root of the problem is less about the number of people and more about the fucked up systems that keep people oppressed, and encourage ignorance.    

Here are some more reasons why I think that... 
And just to be clear: 
The vast majority of the world's hungry people live in developing countries, where 13.5 percent of the population is undernourished. Hunger Statistics 
Ok so, the wealthy can just give their extra food to the poor, right? Wrong: 
Certain types of food “aid” (when not for emergency relief) can actually be destructive. Dumping food on to poorer nations (i.e. free, subsidized, or cheap food, below market prices) undercuts local farmers, who cannot compete and are driven out of jobs and into poverty, further slanting the market share of the larger producers such as those from the US and Europe. Food Aid as Dumping
The better solution would be if developing countries can build up their own local agriculture and economy...
A consensus is emerging that addressing the new challenges requires a Sustainable Agricultural Intensification (SAI) in small and large farms throughout the world. Simple operational definition of the objective of SAI is to provide sufficient, accessible, nutritious food, while enabling economic and social development in rural areas and treating people, animals and the environment with respect. Solutions for Sustainable Agriculture and Food Systems  <-- (looks like an amazing report that I'd like to dive into!)  
Back to the analogy... I still believe there's enough space on the bus to fit all the people... if patterns of food consumption could shift: 

The livestock sector is by far the single largest anthropogenic user of land. Grazing occupies 26 percent of the Earth's terrestrial surface, while feed crop production requires about a third of all arable land. Livestock impacts on the environment - FAO

<-- So again, it's not about the number of people... it's about systems and culture, about lifestyles and consumption choices. It's actually about things we can control, provided we have the awareness and motivation to do so. 

Clearly our situation on the planet is extremely complicated, and I'm only touching on a subset of issues here. But I'm still optimistic! What am I missing? Come at me ^^  

Tuesday, March 17, 2015

Secret of Calm

I get hit with a massive wave
like a brief tsunami
... but sometimes not so brief...
a rumbling under the surface
shaking the ocean floor.
A disturbance?
Perhaps a shift towards a greater equilibrium.
The ocean below sends a signal
Hey-- this is unfinished,
you should tend to this
you should pay attention
this remains unsolved
and every heart beat that sends currents of blood through my body
and waves of thought into my mind
and breath of life into my chest
should remind me of this force of nature that has no reckoning
administering a pulse, a shockwave
a reminder of the longing.
The vast, dark, imperceptible depths can't conceal
what exists within my essence
as if to whisper through trans-continental winds,

"Remember Me."

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

dark in the light

Dark in the Light

Take the dark candle into the light
carry the sadness, remember the night

Sunshine will pass and again you will find
The darkness that lurks in the depths of your mind

The loneliness, pain, rejection, and fear
These negative thoughts you should keep ever near

They are not enemies, they are very real
They creep back again if you try to conceal

And if you forget, they will come roaring back
if you build walls, they will seep through the cracks

they are ever there, these negative thoughts
they cant be contained, and cannot be caught

they are like a child you must let wander free
coming and going like waves of the sea

embrace them and know that they are not bad
keep that in mind and you wont become mad

when they surface again, don’t be surprised
just know it’s a part of being alive

its best not to do these extreme up and downs
try to stay balanced, the center surround

because I am whole and I have many sides
I am but one being while on this ride

This journey through lifetimes will bring the unknown
The storms will be felt and the hurricanes blown

But I am still Me, and that never will change
I have to be ready to deal with the strange

And not get knocked over by winds on the way
I can be strong and I will save the day

I am the hero, I am the one
My soul gives me life, my cosmic sun

I cannot but love it, it is everything
It is the spirit from which I can sing

I must love myself, or I will be lost
This hurdle of life can only be crossed

It is one step closer to finding the truth
Treasure to hold, like a fountain of youth

So hold on to that center and do not let go
The good and the bad are all part of this show

But I will remain, so do not lose sight
Where pleasure meets pain, and darkness meets light

Hang on tight, cause things might get rough
Expecting from others is never enough

I am the one who will follow my dreams
My soul is the sun from which rays will beam

It comes from no other, but only within
So take a deep breath and let us begin

Starting fresh, I gather my strength and move on
I take my walking stick and we go along

Enjoying the nature, a world to behold
Gathering memories, stories are told

Infinite wonders are to be found
On this beautiful planet to which I am bound

Never forget how much beauty awaits
You can find out if you open the gates

Just let the world love you, don’t hide away
Experience what the world gives you today

Wake up to the now, and see what is real
These layers of ignorance, they only shield

The light from your eyes, which you want to shine
The love of this world is here to be mine

So idle no longer, and open your heart

Of this endless beauty, I am a part.

~ m.e.    12.17.13