Monday, August 24, 2015


I'm starting to do research on adoption... cause I think a few years down the line I'd like to adopt.

The decline isn't due to fewer orphans worldwide nor waning demand from prospective parents, experts say. It is due to rising regulations and growing sentiment in countries such as Russia and China against sending orphans abroad.

As international adoption rates fall, there is one country that is sending more children abroad: The United States.

As China slows international adoptions, the number of children filling its orphanages is climbing -- rising to 92,000 in 2011, almost a 50% rise from 2004, according to China's Ministry of Civil Affairs.

Costs -- which can be as high as $50,000 -- continue to climb. The wait can stretch for years even after an adoptive parent and child are matched as the adoption paperwork wades through the bureaucracies of both sending and receiving nations.

Stats on orphan rates internationally
It is estimated that 153 million children worldwide, ranging from infants to teenagers, have lost one or both parents
Asia is home to the larged number of orphaned children in the world; 60 million, at last count
There are 10.2 million orphaned children in Latin America, 5% of all children in the region

There are over 120,000 orphans in America, while another 400,000 children live without permanent families
27,000 children age out of the system every year

<-- So sad!! :(

In addition, most adoptions from U.S. foster care are free and any minimal costs associated with them are often reimbursable. For international adoptions from Hague Convention countries in 2010, service providers charged anywhere between nothing to $64,357, with half charging less than $26,559.
You don’t need to own your own home, be wealthy, have children already, or be a stay-at-home parent to adopt.
While slightly more than half of all children who enter foster care return to their birth families, there are still thousands of children who cannot return home. Of the 51,000 children in foster care adopted last year, 54 percent were adopted by their foster parents. 
In most instances, a person’s marital status, age, income, or sexual orientation do not automatically disqualify them from eligibility to adopt. You don’t need to own your own home, have children already, be young, wealthy, or a stay-at-home parent.
In 2011, 32 percent of children adopted from foster care were matched with either a single-parent household or unmarried couple. This includes adoptions by lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender (LGBT) families.
Experienced parents and empty-nesters are encouraged to adopt. In most instances, you’re eligible to adopt regardless of age, income, marital status, disability, or sexual orientation. You don’t need to own your own home, be young, wealthy, or a stay-at-home parent.
Placing siblings together is almost always the best thing for them after being separated from their birth parents. It helps provide continuity and protects them from suffering additional loss. Currently 23 percent of children photolisted on AdoptUSKids are siblings who need to be placed together.

The Hope of Being Adopted

Omg i cried so much

  1. Adoption and long-term fostering are both situations which can provide a permanent home for a child, but there are some differences.Adoption is a process which legally removes the rights and responsibilities of the child's birth parent(s), and transfers them to adoptive parent(s).
  2. Fostering does not provide the same legal security for either the foster carers or the child, and would usually only continue until the children and young people are 18. However it means the child can keep their ties with their birth family, who may remain involved in any important decisions being made about their child, and would usually be encouraged to have regular contact with their child.
KidsPeace (Indiana) 

Wow, here's a listing of children in IL that need to be adopted and their pictures:

I should volunteer with this place... 

Each year, thousands of children are adopted from overseas. Since 2003, the Adoption Center has specialized in providing medical and developmental care to adopted children. Hundreds of children and families have been shepherded through the process of adoption by our empathetic and expert staff. 

Ok that's a lot of info for now.

I have no preference regarding where the child comes from... what I'm interested in is to adopt where the need is highest, or where I'm helping to alleviate a problem... and it looks like of course, the need is high everywhere, but it's becoming harder to adopt internationally due to restraints created by the foreign countries... which is unfortunate.  I am fully open to domestic adoption, and after finding out the above info, it makes alot more sense for me... also considering that I most likely will not be wealthy enough to afford international adoption. Someday if I do get rich, I might put myself on the waiting list ;) 

Monday, June 29, 2015

heart pains

sometimes youre so down the only thing that can lift you up is


been vascillating in and out of a dark place in recent times

today i'm having a relapse

been doing pretty good lately though

been taking care of my human body,
eating well
trying to get in shape
what else should i do

trying to keep myself from breaking down completely

dont let the emotions run me wild
keep em in check

yesterday a fellow heartbroken friend told me about how he's been running alot
and wearing sunglasses to hide the tears
while running
i could really relate to that

i didnt weat a seatbelt tonight.
thats not good
its kinda not ok.

there was a death in the family recently...
my family's been through alot lately.


its been a rough day

on my bikeride home i thought
i'm just a stupid human animal
having stupid human emotions

but how it is that i can see myself as a stupid human animal...
what part of me allows me to be objective like that?


i just came "home" about 20 minutes ago
and saw a plant that i had left outside in a little pot
it was dying
but not dead
i left it outside cause it had aphids...
it was struggling.
and now it was just hanging on to the last strand of life that it has left in it...

and i thought

sometimes life just sucks.

sometimes it just fucking sucks

and because some beings suffer so much

maybe thats why we suffer too

we're all interconnected, are we not

so, seeing that plant on its last strand of life

i felt guilty

so i wanted to plant it in the soil

i thought, maybe i can save this plant.

but maybe i shouldnt...
the plant is so fucking miserable
maybe death would put it out of its misery
and now that its in the soil
it will be nourished
maybe it will survive
maybe it will keep feeling pain
on whatever level plants have pain and suffering
and maybe i'm just prolonging its suffering

because i

have an instinct

to help the thing survive...

and maybe that's like god, or whatever force is out there

making me breathe in and out

keeping me from death

continuing my suffering

nourishing me

giving me another chance at life

so we'll see if that plant survives or not

i feel on the brink

but i cant abandon

i cant do it to myself

but maybe the forces will do it to me

i guess we'll see

Sunday, May 10, 2015

crimson wave of destruction

My periods keep getting worse. The cramps are always bad, I always have to take pain pills... but the worst is really my moods.  I didn't used to have mood issues this bad when I was younger... and its becoming debilitating. It's disrupting my social life. It's like I start turning into a beast as my period approaches, but I don't realize it... like I'm sitting in water that's getting progressively and slowly hotter but I can't feel the temperature change.  Then before I know it, my emotions are out of control and wreaking havoc on my entire life.
But I've noticed that a couple days into my period, my moods balance out again... and in the middle of my cycle, I'm usually feelin great, feelin on top of my game. It's the days leading up to my period that I get depressed and all messed up... it's a pretty clear pattern.

My last period was very destructive... I got in fights with a number of people around that time. I was highly sensitive and easily offended. I lashed out and said mean things.

I have this period app that tracks my cycle, and now it tells me that my period is 3 days from now. I can feel that my moods are starting to change... I feel depressed today, I feel sad. Lonely. Sensitive.

This is really not cool.

I really don't want to go on birth control pills or hormonal contraceptives in order to make this stop... but I don't know, maybe I need to. Maybe I'm so imbalanced that I need it, like medicine.

Just thinking about this makes me sad and start crying. See?

Ah fuck.

Monday, April 27, 2015

memory (margo elena and possible someone remix)

maybe he will...

like a song he hasn't heard in forever
that familiarity
that connection over time

it was a lovely tune

i even enjoy the sound of dissonance,
when it's done right

good music never gets old.
(my friend said that once at a Tom Petty concert, to a middle-aged lady who seemed surprised that we were there)

i think he enjoyed our music, for the most part...
though he wasn't too interested in my solo stuff (literally.)
things didn't go that deep,
as deep as I would have liked, anyways...
which isn't even that deep, actually.

maybe it was a simple song we made. one that is enjoyable :)
i do like it.
though it lacks in complexity
and often wasn't the sound i wanted...

or was it?

could I remix it? ^^
can we...

it was recorded
in memory...
mine, anyways.

i wonder,
does he remember how it goes
or even want to hear it again?

maybe he will...


Sometimes you like a song, and then later dislike it. You know!
How about music that you once didn't like, but learned to like later? That happens too... which can be very interesting.

Art has that temporal element to it as well, somebody said to me recently. Your taste evolves based on your present state.
And that state can never be predicted.


so take your time, margo...
i don't think that tune can be erased
and maybe in the mean time,
you can think about how you'd like to change it up

Saturday, April 18, 2015

On our giant bus traveling through space, headed towards the future

So I was having an interesting conversation with someone last night, some real talk about world issues. We had some fundamental disagreements about the future of humanity: while I'm optimistic that humanity will ultimately evolve in a positive direction and that we can learn how to live in harmony with the planet/living beings/society, his opinion is that humanity is basically fucked and we are too deep in this shit to get out.  I agreed that we are facing crises and we will continue to face crises... but I still have faith in humanity.  He thought my beliefs are like some mythical fairy tale unicorns and rainbows worldview (I paraphrase)... and I can see how he would think that. The good thing is that I'm totally willing to be disproven... I'm willing to admit that I'm wrong, or to change my worldview and opinions, if exposed to the info/experiences that would show me that humanity actually is fucked beyond repair.  For now, I do think that our current systems that are in place can be changed, and will change, since they are fundamentally unsustainable... and nature, as it tends to, will force us into a state of greater equilibrium, which we can only surrender to if we wish to survive. And while I'm stuck in a human body, I might as well put my work and energy towards building that kind of positive future and alternative/progressive society.  

Anyways, we got into the subject of overpopulation, and he gave an analogy that went like this: the planet is like a bus and only a certain number of people can fit on it... and at this point, its way too crowded and has passed max capacity. I said that I agree somewhat with that analogy, but also disagree. I started compiling some info backing up my opinion in an email, and then figured I should make this into a blog, since there's alot of good info here:

Roughly one third of the food produced in the world for human consumption every year — approximately 1.3 billion tonnes — gets lost or wasted. FOOD WASTE FACTS <-- check that crazy shit! 

  • In developing countries food waste and losses occur mainly at early stages of the food value chain and can be traced back to financial, managerial and technical constraints in harvesting techniques as well as storage –and cooling facilities. Thus, a strengthening of the supply chain through the support farmers and investments in infrastructure, transportation, as well as in an expansion of the food –and packaging industry could help to reduce the amount of food loss and waste. 
<-- This begins to illustrate why I think it's not just about having too many people on the bus. It may be a little more like... the rich/privileged people get to take two seats, and the poor people have to get strapped to the roof of the bus, piled on top of each other... so those in "developed" countries get to live comfortably while other people get screwed. And they remain out of sight... so people can buy their sweatshop clothes and not think about where they actually came from, for instance. Feel me? Anyways, this is why I think the root of the problem is less about the number of people and more about the fucked up systems that keep people oppressed, and encourage ignorance.    

Here are some more reasons why I think that... 
And just to be clear: 
The vast majority of the world's hungry people live in developing countries, where 13.5 percent of the population is undernourished. Hunger Statistics 
Ok so, the wealthy can just give their extra food to the poor, right? Wrong: 
Certain types of food “aid” (when not for emergency relief) can actually be destructive. Dumping food on to poorer nations (i.e. free, subsidized, or cheap food, below market prices) undercuts local farmers, who cannot compete and are driven out of jobs and into poverty, further slanting the market share of the larger producers such as those from the US and Europe. Food Aid as Dumping
The better solution would be if developing countries can build up their own local agriculture and economy...
A consensus is emerging that addressing the new challenges requires a Sustainable Agricultural Intensification (SAI) in small and large farms throughout the world. Simple operational definition of the objective of SAI is to provide sufficient, accessible, nutritious food, while enabling economic and social development in rural areas and treating people, animals and the environment with respect. Solutions for Sustainable Agriculture and Food Systems  <-- (looks like an amazing report that I'd like to dive into!)  
Back to the analogy... I still believe there's enough space on the bus to fit all the people... if patterns of food consumption could shift: 

The livestock sector is by far the single largest anthropogenic user of land. Grazing occupies 26 percent of the Earth's terrestrial surface, while feed crop production requires about a third of all arable land. Livestock impacts on the environment - FAO

<-- So again, it's not about the number of people... it's about systems and culture, about lifestyles and consumption choices. It's actually about things we can control, provided we have the awareness and motivation to do so. 

Clearly our situation on the planet is extremely complicated, and I'm only touching on a subset of issues here. But I'm still optimistic! What am I missing? Come at me ^^  

Tuesday, March 17, 2015

Secret of Calm

I get hit with a massive wave
like a brief tsunami
... but sometimes not so brief...
a rumbling under the surface
shaking the ocean floor.
A disturbance?
Perhaps a shift towards a greater equilibrium.
The ocean below sends a signal
Hey-- this is unfinished,
you should tend to this
you should pay attention
this remains unsolved
and every heart beat that sends currents of blood through my body
and waves of thought into my mind
and breath of life into my chest
should remind me of this force of nature that has no reckoning
administering a pulse, a shockwave
a reminder of the longing.
The vast, dark, imperceptible depths can't conceal
what exists within my essence
as if to whisper through trans-continental winds,

"Remember Me."